Siggy Stardust and the Muslims from Mars
Ok, first thing first: I take 24 hours out for a business trip and, when I arrive home and stop off at my local shop and speak to the woman behind the counter who has as much disdain for our state and the police as I do but doesn’t quite understand (by any stretch of the imagination) what is going on (while I try and feed her elements of it which she listens to and takes onboard); she tells me there’s been another “hit” in Belgium. So excuse me but I have been flying and dealing with shit at the airports security again (and it pissed me off enough to make a scene) and I haven’t had a moment to watch the news or even see a paper.
Next: At the airport on the way out, my shaving cream (Body shop £8, almost full because I just bought it a few weeks ago) was confiscated because it was a tub over 100ml (I think 150ml, not sure but not more). The security person saying it was to be confiscated got a mouthful – not of shaving cream but a very pissed off guy and he said “I can have someone speak to you” and while I stated “What the hell difference will that make?” I said “sure ok.” Of course, you get the same old shite from the “Security higher up the chain of shite guy” and he got the mouthful too.
It went something like this:
“So what are you confiscating my shaving cream for?” as I opened the tub to show him how harmful a dangerous terroristic type substance it was.
“You’re a frequent flyer aren’t you sir?” he asked as he saw my attire and that I was obviously on a business trip.
“Well no actually, I’m not. Well I have been but not since I got back to this god forsaken country which I now hardly recognise as the one I left”
“Well sir, it has been the rules since 2006” as if he considered I had just been out of the country for a short spell and, therefore, I would in fact know.
The fact is that I had taken the exact same airline, from the exact same airport just a matter of weeks before for a trip to Germany AND I had the same bloody tub of cream with me which they saw and never confiscated. I advised him of this (by the way, you can’t get smaller tubs of it so what they’re asking me to do is buy special small tubes of shaving cream just specifically for flying) but he had none of it.
“That would not happen sir” (calling me a liar then and I HATE that!)
“Yes it bloody did” I said as I felt my face go somewhat red with the sheer disdain I was feeling for all these jobsworths.
Anyhow, we moved on as I said: “I’m sick of this bullshit”
“What bullshit is that sir?”
“The bullshit where I have to conform like all the rest of the lemmings who are just wandering through this airport accepting the crap they get fed about a bogeyman called ‘Al Qaeda’ or ‘ISIS'”
“Yes bullshit and, while it’s not your fault – well part of it is because you take this crap from government and just enforce it because you’re jobsworths – unlike 99.999% of the lemmings walking through here, I’ve had my fill of this shit”
“Well I think I know more about this issue than you sir…since 9/11…” he said and I laughed.
“You’re gonna tell me 9/11 was done by a man in a cave with a laptop and a mobile phone and a bunch of young muslim Saudi Arabian guys with a death wish?”
“Look sir, my personal view of this…”
“Exactly! And you can’t speak about that right because then no job!”
“Sir, what do you wish to do? You can certainly take your bag and check it in with the shaving cream…”
I looked at him and said “Yeah? And pay over £30 for the privilege of taking my own shaving cream with me to my destination? You’re kidding right? Tell me, if this stuff is so dangerous why is it not dangerous in the hold but it is in an overhead locker in the cabin?”
“It’s the rules sir”
“But NOT a law!”
So then I decided ok, I’d check a bag in and pay over $30 because it would be expensed anyhow. Guess what his reaction was? “Oh well no problem then!” Do you see the issue with that?
So I was escorted out of the security and back to the check in by a another guy with a very grim face. I had just said something humorous which I can’t remember for now and I turned to this new guy and said ” Have a sense of humour”
“I don’t possess humour” he flat out retorted and I pissed myself and said “Yep, that was well funny!” – It’s his job you see. Not to have a sense of humour at an airport security if anyone is causing a bit of friction. He’s like one of Buckingham Palace’s guardsmen in that respect. You’ve got to play the game, put on the act and stick with it. You can’t BE real and acknowledge the shite while these people KNOW it’s shite.
However, we get to the check in and guess what? “Bag drop closed 4 minutes ago”. GREAT!
So, I said to the girl behind the counter: “Here, you can have this then (the shaving cream). Give it to your boyfriend, I’m sure he’ll like it. You know the funny thing when I think about it? I left it with her and she didn’t scream “POTENTIAL BOMB! HELP!” You’d think she’d handle the tub very carefully wouldn’t you? You see? They don’t even think about that. You know why?
BECAUSE IT IS ALL A HEAP OF SHITE!
Last thing on this though is this: I go back through security – you know? Belt off, shoes off, laptop out the case (these fricking x-rays aren’t very good then if they can’t penetrate a laptop and its case!) oh! and the colgate toothpaste and nivea underarm deodorant roll on and yet, on the way back from a different UK airport (obviously but just pointing out it was a UK airport still), I DIDN’T have to take off my shoes! Belt, yes, shoes, no. The reason I’m sure would be “Different kind of x-ray machines”. The point there being – where they tell you it is all law in the UK to remove this that and the next thing (next it will be your trousers of course), it’s not. If it were LAW, it would be precisely the same at all UK airports. But we KNOW it’s not fricking law and we KNOW it’s all SHIT!
Ok, that part of rant over.
Next thing (and the main topic of this particular post:
TWO BRITISH POLICE AND THEIR SIG SAUER AUTOMATIC MACHINE GUNS STANDING WATCHING PEOPLE AS THEY PASS BY THEM GOING TO SECURITY.
I don’t know their name so we’ll call them Bill and Ben.
Well, like all UK police (but these guys were actually pretty cool), when a member of the public actually approached them, they are somewhat “surprised” let’s say. A strange affair really but that’s how our boys are.
“Hi guys, do you mind me asking what type of guns those are you have?”
“Sig Sauer 566(?)” – I’m not sure about the number but they were Sig Sauers.
“Ok, to me they look pretty much like an AK47” I said.
“Tell me? If they were AK47’s and you shot a guy in the head from close range – let’s say at most 3 feet – what would happen to his head?”
“It’d blow his head off… an AK47 uses 7.62mm rounds” said Bill (he wasn’t old though he was a younger type of Bill)
“Yeah that’s what I heard and what I thought” as I smiled sardonically.
Let me tell you – take it or leave it I don’t care – these two Police KNEW exactly what I was on about and I left them with this:
“You know where I’m going with this don’t you?”
They smiled slightly and said “Yes”.
And indeed they did know exactly what I was talking about!
Now, as I went through security and out the other end, there was a podium of sorts (Police again) and a guy sitting by it but not in uniform and I appraoched him too and asked if he was a Policeman to which he replied “Sort of”. Interesting reply isn’t it?
So I said flippantly, “Oh well, MI5 them?” to which he didn’t reply and I didn’t expect him to. Of course he wouldn’t be but you know? I just take none of these buggers seriously anymore.
This guy, however, wasn’t quite as “open” as Bill and Ben.
I said “I’ve just spoken to a couple of cops with Sig Sauers out there about what would happen if they shot someone in the head with an AK47 at close range. What do you suggest would happen?”
His answer: “The bullet would create a very neat hole on entering and a VERY large one on exit”
“So, it would basically blow his skull open?” I said.
Again, I said “So you know what I’m getting at?”
“No.” he replied.
“Paris” I said
“What do you mean?” he asked.
Well, did you see the policeman getting shot?” to which he didn’t actually reply but said
“Well the policeman is dead”
“Really?” I replied, “Did you see the body?”
By this time, this guy was showing slight signs of ‘Ok, I’m not really interested in listening to this’. So I left it at that.
Now, what I’m telling you is this – take it or leave it:
Our Police KNOW. They are not stupid. They know their guns and the effects and Bill and Ben knew fine damn well what I was saying and they very subtly acknowledged it while making damned sure they said nothing to incriminate themselves so to speak.
What I wish to know is: